I just posted an entry on my companion blog for adults with Asperger’s about managing small talk at the office and it got me thinking. Reading social signals is an issue for many people with Asperger’s, other autism spectrum disorders, and ADHD, whether a child, a teen or an adult. But a big problem is that the rules for social skills are so different for kids and adults. It’s important that adults keep this in mind when assessing their own children’s behaviors and the behaviors of the other kids your child spends time with. You can’t expect kids to behave like little adults, in fact, that “little professor” behavior is what is often seen in kids with Asperger’s.
The flip side of this issue is that kids who struggle with social skills need to realize that their peers are not going to follow adult rules. Children are often rude, tacky, silly, or distracted with each other. It’s not a reflection on their companions, it’s just kid behavior. Often, I’ve seen children get hurt feelings, get angry and lash out, or withdraw because they think the other kids aren’t treating them well. Certainly, that may be the case, but often I think the situation is misinterpreted. In the years I worked as a school therapist, I had the opportunity to work with both the school "bullies" and the school "victims". What I learned from this dual perspective is that generally, each side of the conflict saw things differently, and often the “bully” wasn’t nearly as hostile as the “victim” thought. Part of my message here is that kids with social skills challenges may be misreading the other kids’ intent. Bullying does occur, and shouldn’t be tolerated. But pause before you call it bullying, because it may be just a misunderstanding. Kids act like kids, and shouldn’t be expected to act like adults. Last week I talked about tip 1 if you want to play the small talk game: You Can Keep It Short, But Say Something. This week I’m moving on to my next tip:
2. Dealing With “How Are You?” “How are you?” is an example of a social script that neurotypicals use all the time. Typically, it’s followed by, “Fine, thank you. And you?” That’s answered with “Fine, thanks.” Most of the time, there’s very little variation to this script, other than the slight modifications involving “great” “pretty good” “hangin’ in there” or for the particularly upbeat “fabulous!” I think most people learn to follow this script at a young age, although it’s rarely used by kids to each other. But the question is, when do you follow the script, and when are you expected to actually answer the question? Nonverbal cues give the answer. The problem is that the question can be either a greeting or a true request for information. As a greeting, it’s essentially the same as saying, “Hello.” The person who starts the script will often be walking toward you, and they won’t really slow much, or will even continue talking after asking the question. If you’re getting these signals that the answer is not of much interest, then it’s fine to just follow the script. If you don’t know the person other than to say thanks when they hand you the bag of groceries, the scripted answer is expected. What are the signs that the questioner really cares about the answer? Well, he or she will often do one of these things:
These are just some of the cues that a real answer is expected. Circumstances make a difference too. If you’re hobbling around on new crutches, just got back from a family funeral, or just won the lottery, the questioner may know that and be asking for greater detail. In any case, you’re probably safe keeping the initial answer fairly short and positive. If your listener interrupts, looks away or over your shoulder, or even starts to walk again, these are signs the conversation has gone on long enough. And of course, your closer friends will want longer and more honest answers. As I read blog posts and have conversations with people on the autism spectrum, I continually hear the question, “Why don’t neurotypicals just say what they mean?” It’s true, we don’t and I think I’ll feel embarrassingly shallow next time I ask, “How are you?” Please check out my new article Adults With Asperger's: How To Manage Eye Contact. It can be found on ezinearticles.com. I've also got a number of other articles on that site on related topics, many written to the parents of kids with Asperger's, autism and ADHD. (On ezinearticles.com I'm Patricia J. Robinson, the Patricia Robinson writing about botox is not me!)
Frequently, adults with Asperger’s will complain about the inane, time consuming, yet somehow valued activity called small talk. Typical offices seem to allow and even require a certain amount of time to be set aside for this type of socializing, even though it’s unrelated to the actual work that needs to be done. I’ve seen many blog postings where people question its value, but it’s here to stay. For neurotypicals, it’s even enjoyable.
Of course, you can do whatever you want with regard to small talk. But, if you think you’re being somehow penalized at work for not participating in small talk, I’ll be posting some tips to play the small talk game. 1. You Can Keep It Short, But Say Something Let’s say you’re going to get a cup of coffee, and the pot is surrounded by coworkers rehashing the weekend game. You hate football, didn’t see the game, and have nothing to add to the conversation. It’s very logical to ignore the conversation, get your coffee and get back to work. But, wait! Neurotypicals are trained from infancy to look for subtle clues to other’s feelings, and they can be very insecure. If you say nothing, they will start making all sorts of assumptions, usually assumptions that revolve around their own insecurities. Things like, “Why is that guy so unfriendly?” or, “Why does he hate me?” or even, “Does he know that I’m about to get laid off, and he’s not telling me?” A better option? Just say, “Good morning!” in a pleasant tone, look at them and smile, and move on to your coffee. This is one of those situations where neurotypicals also use scripts to know what to say. If you have to cut through the group, add in a cheery sounding, “Excuse me.” That’s it. Your coworkers will probably think you’re friendly, but busy, and not even think any more about it. Please check back here frequently, I’ll be posting more small talk tips. Many kids, even those struggling with social skills, can name and identify basic emotions, for example: mad, sad, glad, and scared. But for true social interaction and emotional intelligence, more than these basics are required.
When I work with children who don’t identify emotions well, such as kids and teens with Asperger’s, autism, or ADHD, we spend a great deal of time learning about emotions. This knowledge helps kids in two ways: they manage their emotions more easily, and they deal with other’s emotions more skillfully. At a very basic level, I start with the four basics feelings listed above. The first step is to identify the feelings of mad, sad, glad and scared. (Even more basic could be only two, glad and bad.) This can be done in a number of ways, such as asking the child how he’s feeling right now, or how he thinks you’re feeling, or how he was feeling when something memorable happened. This feeling identification game can be carried further, such as guessing the feelings of people in photographs or on television shows. Television can be very useful, because, depending on the program, the emotions can be very subtle or very broad. (Any Disney channel kid’s comedy is likely to show very strong, intense, exaggerated emotions, great for beginners. Also, if you record the program you can go back and view it over and over.) When your child is ready, step into more subtle emotions. You can find great lists of emotion words online, at places like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions. Don’t try to tackle them all at once, just as many as you can handle. Many kids on the autism spectrum love to analyze and classify, and they can do this with emotion. These Wikipedia lists can be ideal for these kids. I’ve worked with some clients who like to graph the emotions, for example showing the intensity of the feeling on a chart. (Elated would be higher than happy, which would be higher than content.) Other kids can graphically show the subtle combinations of how different motions are related to each other. Just remember, kids on the autism spectrum can think and learn in very different ways than neurotypical kids. Visual and concrete methods can be the best method for them. The goal is to understand emotion, and your children may surprise you once they get started. I read a great article a while back, written by Zosia Zaks, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder and writes extensively. You can check out her website at http://www.autismability.com/ but this article was published on the GRASP website at http://www.grasp.org/new_art.htm. The article is “Myth: Autistic People Lack Empathy” I’m not sure when it was originally written, or where it was first published, and many people have commented on it at various places online. I’m adding my comments on it because the article raises some important, thought provoking issues.
I write this blog mainly for parents of kids with Asperger’s or autism who are trying to help their child with social skills, and more importantly, to help their child develop good relationships. It’s important to remember these basic goals when working with anyone, because the point isn’t to change someone or to define one way as right or preferred. Social skills are useful to help people interact with each other, understand others and to be understood, and at the core, to help us all feel connected to each other. For parents of kids on the autistic spectrum, understanding your child’s world can really help in knowing how to teach them social skills, and that’s why I like this article so much. Zosia Zak’s article discusses two important topics. First is an exploration of the difference between empathy and the ability to follow the rules of social skills. She asks the question of whether or not she is lacking in empathy, or instead is missing “the social and linguistic skills to navigate an alien social world successfully.” She describes in detail several experiences where she misses the point of a conversation and the resulting interpersonal disconnect. She clearly states her intentions: “I deeply wanted to get along with my co-workers and I wanted to be friends too!” For parents working with their children, it’s important to keep this distinction in mind. Social skills, reading others’ messages, sending the right signals, all these are important, but they’re basically the mechanics behind relationships, and completely different than your child’s feelings, intentions and desires for interaction. I think it’s important to return to the source here, which would be the DSM IV-TR™. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision, published by the American Psychiatric Association in 2000. Officially, it’s the book that lists the symptoms of Autism and Asperger’s, or any other mental disorder.) What’s clear from the DSM is that a diagnosis of Autism or Asperger’s requires an impairment in social interaction, such as nonverbal behaviors, social isolation or even lack of awareness of others. There’s nothing listed about lack of empathy or caring. There’s also an interesting variation of this discussion on WrongPlanet.net (http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt75459.html) where someone named Amik asks if neurotypicals lack empathy toward people on the autism spectrum. The second area of interest in Zosia Zak’s article is her discussion of how she tried to set up a series of rules to use in future interactions. I thought of children in social skills groups, and how often they are presented with a list of rules on how to interact. This article vividly illustrates the experience of fitting an everyday interaction to a list of rules, and how difficult and exhausting it can be. I think it’s something for therapists and parents to keep in mind when trying to teach kids about social skills. Please check out this article, and I’d love to hear your comments on it. As your child enters middle school, junior high, or high school, it can get especially difficult for you as a parent to help with social skills. This can be a problem because older kids are dealing with a more complex social environment than they were when they were younger, and many kids who managed in the early school years really start to struggle as they get older. One problem is that parents of older kids just aren’t as involved with the school as they used to be. There’s less of an opportunity to volunteer, your kids may no longer want parents around, the kids are coming from a larger geographic area, the school is bigger, there are multiple teachers who may not really know your teenager. For many reasons, it may seem as if you are sending your child off into unknown territory to manage academically and socially, and you can’t understand that world. That’s why movies, books, or TV can be a useful communication tool for kids and parents. You can watch or read together, enter the same world together, and use that as a way to understand what your child goes through every day. From there, you can help your child figure out and manage all the subtle social things that go on at school every day. One movie that’s very useful for this purpose is the 2008 Sundance film American Teen. American Teen is a documentary about the 2005 graduation class of tiny, rural Warsaw, Indiana. This film doesn’t tackle the larger issues that may be impacting many teens. There no talk of gangs or violence, and little mention of multicultural issues, drugs, and all the heavy problems facing today’s teens. Instead this film focuses on the same universal issues that teenagers have been dealing with for generations, namely friendships, young love, bullying, and pressure. Peer pressure, social pressure, academic and athletic pressure, pressure from parents, and maybe the biggest pressure of all, that universal concern about what’s going to happen after graduation.
As a first step, go watch this film with your son or daughter. It’s rated PG-13, and contains themes and language some parents may object to. Kids-in-Mind, (http://www.kids-in-mind.com/a/americanteen.htm), a very useful movie rating website that ranks movies on a scale of 1 to 10 in three categories, Sex and Nudity, Violence and Gore, and Profanity, has given American Teen a score of 3-4-5. (If you’re not comfortable seeing this film with your kids, consider watching it yourself to get back in touch with those memories of high school pressures, cliques and the really cruel way kids can behave. But remember, your kids’ daily world at school would probably be rated at least a PG-13 as well.) Many teens who struggle with social skills aren’t very skillful at analyzing the social landscape of their school. That’s one area where this movie can help. All the standard high school stereotypes are represented here: the popular girl, the jock, the outcast, the prom king, the emotional girl. These may be stereotypes, but that doesn’t mean they’re not real, or that these kids don’t exist at your child’s school. It really eases basic social navigation if your child can figure out who plays these roles at his school. Then some of the “rules” become clearer, things like: just because a teen is popular doesn’t mean she’s nice, there’s a lot of pressure to date within your own clique, kids aren’t necessarily nice to their own friends. See if you can come up with your own list of some of the rules at your teenager’s school. How is the film school different from your teen's? On a more advanced level, this film will allow your teen to view peers with a more balanced vision. At school, you really don’t know why somebody is treating you badly, because you can’t understand the other side of the story. Because this film shows what’s going on for many kids, your teen can get a different perspective. See if you can move beyond the broad strikes. Are the class winners under pressure too? Do bad things happen to them also? Is the outcast left out because he's a bad guy? Learning to view everyone as a full human being, with strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and failures, goes a long way toward developing more mature social skills. One character in the film is a self proclaimed social outcast. He makes a real effort throughout the film to connect socially, especially with girls. Watching his awkward yet sincere attempts at relationships should give you and your teen plenty of material for discussion. What did he do well, and where did he fumble the situation? Are there times he wasn’t very attuned to his partner? Finally, just use this film to empathize with your teen’s situation. It seems like everyone in the film is struggling and even the most popular kids are not having a great time. Everyone, even the school’s basketball god, has to deal with the same issues about moving on from high school. Your child spends hours every day dealing with the pressures of school. A few hours with this movie will help you remember what that's like. Facilitating great play dates for kids who are struggling socially is a complex issue for parents. This post will only cover a small part of this topic, with additional ideas in later posts. It pays to begin at the beginning, so that’s what I’ll do here. The first issue is figuring out which child you’ll invite over for a play date. For many parents, that’s the toughest part.
For children and teens who are developing socially at a standard pace, parents may not have to get too involved with helping their children find friends. For kids who are struggling socially, parents are going to have to get involved. The more trouble your child is having, the more you as a parent will have to step in. Kids struggle socially for a number of reasons, be it just their personality traits or due to an ASD, Asperger’s or ADHD diagnosis. For kids who don’t do well socially, I find that they have the best play and social interactions with other kids who are functioning socially at about the same ability level. At the same time, kids clearly need to have some interests in common in order to want to interact. What does this mean in practical terms? Basically, if your child is delayed in social skills, he or she may not get the most out of a play date with a socially advanced child from the same age group. Too often, the more developed child will either ignore the child with lesser social skills or take on a care-taking, parental role. The goal of the play date is to work on peer relations, and these two types of interactions don’t really count toward that. That doesn’t mean that the play date cannot be fun and useful. I think most social interactions can be, it’s just that they’re not really peer relations. Having socially delayed kids play with younger children can be one solution, depending on circumstances. With too great an age gap between kids, differences like size, interests, intellectual or athletic abilities may prevent useful peer relations. A chess expert probably won’t want to watch Blue’s Clues on a play date. That leaves the play date pool considerably smaller, so finding matches takes more work, and parents may need to get creative. Ideally, you’d look for another child of the same gender, same age, and same school, with a similar profile of intellectual and social abilities. That’s a tall order, so you’ll probably have to make some compromises, and enlist a bit of help in searching. Good teachers and principals can be the best resources here. Talk to the adults at school about your desire to help your child find friends. See if they can introduce you to other parents who may have appropriate children for your child to meet. Many principals meet with other school leaders on a regular basis, and they may be able to informally search out kids from other schools. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just meet the other parents for coffee, see if your kids sound compatible, and set up a meeting for both kids and parents at a park. The other great resource for finding potential play dates is by attending support groups for families with your child’s particular diagnosis. You can find support groups online, through community agencies, Yahoo groups or meetups.com, and through national and local Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD websites. Often, professionals working with kids will be familiar with the support groups that may be appropriate. (For example, I list resources and support groups for ADHD and ASDs in the East Bay, California area on a page of my website.) At these support groups, don’t be afraid to directly ask other parents if they know of any kids looking for play dates. All this may sound like a lot of work for parents, just to get a few kids to play together! In my view, it’s worth it. Strong friendships will help your children develop socially, keep them from feeling isolated and different, and will become more and more important as they grow up and less involved with their families. Spending the time now to set up play dates can really improve their quality of life, both now and in the future. Readers, if you have other ideas for how to find play date partners for special needs children, please leave me a comment. I’d love your input Play dates with other children are a key way for any child to improve social skills. Hanging out with adults, spending time with siblings, even structured, professionally led social skills groups are all great activities, but will not give your child the learning experiences that they’ll get from a simple play date at home with another child. All kids need to learn to get along with peers. Kids who are struggling with social skills, such as children with a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD, or ADHD), autism, Asperger’s syndrome, or other Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) can struggle especially hard with social issues.
School can be an excellent opportunity for your child to spend time with other children, but your child needs more than just school-time socializing. At school there is only a limited number of other potential friends from which to choose. There may be intense and deeply entrenched cliques and social games, which can be just too tough for less sophisticated socializers to manage. Most of the school day is structured, which leaves little time for open, kid organized play. Finally, the recess and lunchtime activities tend to revolve around sports, especially for boys, so less athletic kids may be left out. All these factors mean that, while school can be a great chance for socializing, it is not enough. Brothers and sisters are also a useful chance for socializing, but again, not enough for children struggling with social skills. Family dynamics, birth order and gender roles, and parental influence will all mean that siblings play together in a way that’s different than interactions with other kids. If your child has special needs, the siblings have probably adapted to any unusual behavior, rigidity or stubbornness, or failure to read their social signals. The siblings will probably be both more adaptable and in other ways, less adaptable, than unrelated kids. In summary, siblings will always interact in different ways than unrelated kids. Structured social skills groups can also be a useful activity where children can learn to make and be friends. Depending on the type of group, there may be an actual chance to play with other kids, or just a discussion about play. (For many reasons, which I’ll discuss in a later post, I find that social skills groups where kids play rather than talk about play are more useful for most kids, especially those on the autistic spectrum.) One real advantage is that the group has been designed so that it should include other kids who are excellent social matches for your child. The problem with social skills groups is cost, frequency, and availability. Even the longest groups tend to continue for only a matter of weeks or months. If kids are a good match, it’s wonderful to let them play with each other frequently and on an ongoing basis. What about time with adults? Many children on the autistic spectrum, and those with ADHD, relate very well to adults. Adults can appreciate these kids’ more unusual interests, and will often overlook any unusual behaviors. Adults adapt to difficulties in attention, becoming more engaging to capture the attention of an inattentive child or soothe and calm a more hyperactive child. These relationships, whether with parents, other relatives, or adult friends are invaluable to kids who struggle socially, but they do not take the place of peer-aged friendships. Your child still needs to learn to deal with kids the same age, where the relationship is about shared activities and conversations, not catering specifically to your child’s needs. What can your child learn from play dates with other kids? How to get along, make compromises, find that place where goofy can be fun, but not too odd, pay attention to other kid’s needs and interests, read social signals, have and be a good friend. In short, all the social skills they’re going to need as an adult. Now that school is getting out for the summer, your family’s schedule may be a lot more relaxed. If your child has special needs, such as autism, Asperger’s disorder, ADHD or ADD, organizational and executive functioning issues, or problems with social skills, the school year may have been extremely high stress. It’s great to be able to enjoy this more unstructured time, spend more time together as a family and take it easy. Without the pressures of school and homework, now is also the perfect time to help your child improve social skills for the upcoming school year.
If your child has been struggling with friendships, the summer months can be a great time for unstructured playdates. Many outdoor activities, such as playing in the pool, riding bikes, playing with water balloons or kickballs, are less organized and subtle than more conversational, indoor games. These can be a great opportunity for your child to interact with peers and have fun too. If your child struggles with basic athletic skills, such as swimming, bike riding, running or kicking, or even climbing on the monkey bars, the summer can be a time to work as a family to improve these abilities. Some kids really dislike sports, and have no interest in doing these types of activities, but school playgrounds do revolve around games. If your child can manage to participate, a new social avenue is opened. Kids who aren’t skilled at sports often don’t join in, and then their skills get even further behind. Playing as a family can remove the pressure that your child experiences in peer play. For kids who have spent the school year struggling with organization, the summer is the chance to catch up and get ready for next September. Work together to remove all of last year’s papers and books. Clear the desk and drawers so you have room to work in a more organized setting next year. This may seem far removed from social skills, but remember that the faster and more efficiently your child can finish homework, the more time there is left for other activities. Be sure to keep all these activities light and fun. Kids with special needs have worked hard all year, and so have their parents. You all deserve some time to enjoy each other. |
Patricia Robinson MFT
I'm a licensed therapist in Danville, California and a coach for Asperger's and ADHD nationwide. I work with individuals of all ages who have special needs, like Autism Spectrum Disorders, ADD, ADHD, and the family members and partners of special needs individuals. Archives
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