Therapy & Coaching for Autism, Asperger's, ADHD
  • Home
  • Autism/Asperger's
  • ADHD/ADD
    • Adult ADHD
    • Child ADHD
  • Couples Counseling
  • CBT
  • Coaching
    • Parent Coaching
  • Hypnotherapy
  • Consultation
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
    • About Me
    • FAQ
  • Current Clients
  • Resources

More Tips for Managing Small Talk in the Office

9/30/2008

 
Last week I talked about tip 1 if you want to play the small talk game: You Can Keep It Short, But Say Something. This week I’m moving on to my next tip:


2. Dealing With “How Are You?”


“How are you?” is an example of a social script that neurotypicals use all the time. Typically, it’s followed by, “Fine, thank you. And you?” That’s answered with “Fine, thanks.” Most of the time, there’s very little variation to this script, other than the slight modifications involving “great” “pretty good” “hangin’ in there” or for the particularly upbeat “fabulous!”


I think most people learn to follow this script at a young age, although it’s rarely used by kids to each other. But the question is, when do you follow the script, and when are you expected to actually answer the question? 


Nonverbal cues give the answer. The problem is that the question can be either a greeting or a true request for information. As a greeting, it’s essentially the same as saying, “Hello.” The person who starts the script will often be walking toward you, and they won’t really slow much, or will even continue talking after asking the question. If you’re getting these signals that the answer is not of much interest, then it’s fine to just follow the script. If you don’t know the person other than to say thanks when they hand you the bag of groceries, the scripted answer is expected.


What are the signs that the questioner really cares about the answer? Well, he or she will often do one of these things:



  • Attempt steady eye contact.

  • State the question with more emphasis.

  • State the question more slowly.

  • Stop walking or slow down.

  • Continue to sit silently after asking.


These are just some of the cues that a real answer is expected. Circumstances make a difference too. If you’re hobbling around on new crutches, just got back from a family funeral, or just won the lottery, the questioner may know that and be asking for greater detail.


In any case, you’re probably safe keeping the initial answer fairly short and positive. If your listener interrupts, looks away or over your shoulder, or even starts to walk again, these are signs the conversation has gone on long enough. And of course, your closer friends will want longer and more honest answers.


As I read blog posts and have conversations with people on the autism spectrum, I continually hear the question, “Why don’t neurotypicals just say what they mean?” It’s true, we don’t and I think I’ll feel embarrassingly shallow next time I ask, “How are you?”

Comments are closed.
    Picture

    Patricia Robinson MFT

    I'm a licensed therapist in Danville, California and a coach for Asperger's and ADHD nationwide. I work with individuals of all ages who have special needs, like Autism Spectrum Disorders, ADD, ADHD, and the family members and partners of special needs individuals.

    ​I'm also an engineer, with two degrees from MIT and over a decade working in high tech corporations.

    I work hard to help you solve problems and make a difference in your life.

    Archives

    February 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    January 2013
    November 2012
    October 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    December 2011
    October 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009
    May 2009
    April 2009
    March 2009
    February 2009
    January 2009
    December 2008
    November 2008
    October 2008
    September 2008
    August 2008
    July 2008
    June 2008
    May 2008
    April 2008
    March 2008

    Categories

    All
    Anxiety And Depression
    Bay Area Local
    Books
    College And Career Issues
    Dating And Marriage And Sex
    Executive Function
    For Parents
    Movies And TV
    Online Resources
    Social And Emotional

    RSS Feed

Patricia Robinson MFT
(925) 915-0924
9000 Crow Canyon Road Suite S-284
Danville, CA 94506
[email protected]
​
Material on this website is for informational and/or educational purposes only and is not intended to provide or be a substitute for professional services. Use of this website does not establish a therapeutic relationship.              
Copyright 2013 Patricia Robinson MFT All rights reserved.  
Privacy Policy  Terms of Use 
  • Home
  • Autism/Asperger's
  • ADHD/ADD
    • Adult ADHD
    • Child ADHD
  • Couples Counseling
  • CBT
  • Coaching
    • Parent Coaching
  • Hypnotherapy
  • Consultation
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
    • About Me
    • FAQ
  • Current Clients
  • Resources