Last week I talked about tip 1 if you want to play the small talk game: You Can Keep It Short, But Say Something. This week I’m moving on to my next tip:
2. Dealing With “How Are You?” “How are you?” is an example of a social script that neurotypicals use all the time. Typically, it’s followed by, “Fine, thank you. And you?” That’s answered with “Fine, thanks.” Most of the time, there’s very little variation to this script, other than the slight modifications involving “great” “pretty good” “hangin’ in there” or for the particularly upbeat “fabulous!” I think most people learn to follow this script at a young age, although it’s rarely used by kids to each other. But the question is, when do you follow the script, and when are you expected to actually answer the question? Nonverbal cues give the answer. The problem is that the question can be either a greeting or a true request for information. As a greeting, it’s essentially the same as saying, “Hello.” The person who starts the script will often be walking toward you, and they won’t really slow much, or will even continue talking after asking the question. If you’re getting these signals that the answer is not of much interest, then it’s fine to just follow the script. If you don’t know the person other than to say thanks when they hand you the bag of groceries, the scripted answer is expected. What are the signs that the questioner really cares about the answer? Well, he or she will often do one of these things:
These are just some of the cues that a real answer is expected. Circumstances make a difference too. If you’re hobbling around on new crutches, just got back from a family funeral, or just won the lottery, the questioner may know that and be asking for greater detail. In any case, you’re probably safe keeping the initial answer fairly short and positive. If your listener interrupts, looks away or over your shoulder, or even starts to walk again, these are signs the conversation has gone on long enough. And of course, your closer friends will want longer and more honest answers. As I read blog posts and have conversations with people on the autism spectrum, I continually hear the question, “Why don’t neurotypicals just say what they mean?” It’s true, we don’t and I think I’ll feel embarrassingly shallow next time I ask, “How are you?” Malcolm Johnson is both a business professional and an individual diagnosed with Asperger's. He writes an interesting and detailed blog about his experiences in the workplace called Aspergermanagement.com. He covers topics like dealing with difficult people, handling meetings, managing your boss and how to handle socializing at work. Check out this blog!
Frequently, adults with Asperger’s will complain about the inane, time consuming, yet somehow valued activity called small talk. Typical offices seem to allow and even require a certain amount of time to be set aside for this type of socializing, even though it’s unrelated to the actual work that needs to be done. I’ve seen many blog postings where people question its value, but it’s here to stay. For neurotypicals, it’s even enjoyable.
Of course, you can do whatever you want with regard to small talk. But, if you think you’re being somehow penalized at work for not participating in small talk, I’ll be posting some tips to play the small talk game. 1. You Can Keep It Short, But Say Something Let’s say you’re going to get a cup of coffee, and the pot is surrounded by coworkers rehashing the weekend game. You hate football, didn’t see the game, and have nothing to add to the conversation. It’s very logical to ignore the conversation, get your coffee and get back to work. But, wait! Neurotypicals are trained from infancy to look for subtle clues to other’s feelings, and they can be very insecure. If you say nothing, they will start making all sorts of assumptions, usually assumptions that revolve around their own insecurities. Things like, “Why is that guy so unfriendly?” or, “Why does he hate me?” or even, “Does he know that I’m about to get laid off, and he’s not telling me?” A better option? Just say, “Good morning!” in a pleasant tone, look at them and smile, and move on to your coffee. This is one of those situations where neurotypicals also use scripts to know what to say. If you have to cut through the group, add in a cheery sounding, “Excuse me.” That’s it. Your coworkers will probably think you’re friendly, but busy, and not even think any more about it. Please check back here frequently, I’ll be posting more small talk tips. |
Patricia Robinson MFT
I'm a licensed therapist in Danville, California and a coach for Asperger's and ADHD nationwide. I work with individuals of all ages who have special needs, like Autism Spectrum Disorders, ADD, ADHD, and the family members and partners of special needs individuals. Archives
February 2015
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